What Story Are You Telling Without Realising It?

Your actions as a leader tell a story, even when you’re not aware of it. These hidden messages, shaped by your behaviour and decisions, can influence team trust, dynamics, and organisational culture. Misaligned actions - like promoting work-life balance but sending emails late at night - can create confusion and harm relationships.

Here’s what you need to know:

• Your behaviour sends signals: Examples include how you react to mistakes, prioritise tasks, or allocate resources.
• Unspoken cues matter: Tone, body language, and decision-making habits shape how your team perceives you.
• Simple tools can help: Use reflection, feedback, and journaling to uncover and adjust your unconscious leadership narrative.

Understanding Hidden Leadership Messages

Types of Hidden Messages

Hidden leadership messages often arise from our everyday actions and decisions, even if we’re not consciously aware of them. These messages are shaped by the internal stories we tell ourselves to guide our behaviour.

Think of them as invisible scripts influencing how you lead. They show up in various ways:

Behavioural Patterns

• How quickly you respond to emails and messages
• Where you focus your attention during meetings
• Your reactions to mistakes or setbacks
• Whether and how you acknowledge team achievements

Decision-Making Signals

• Which projects you prioritise
• How resources are allocated
• When and why you choose to step in
• Your stance on risk and new ideas

By tracing the roots of these signals, you can better understand their subtle effects on your team.

"Our brains create coherence by knitting together our internal experience and what we observe in our environment, through an automatic process of narration that explains why we and others do what we do." - Monique Valcour and John McNulty

How Messages Affect Others

These hidden messages shape not only your leadership but also how others perceive and respond to your actions. When leaders aren’t aware of their subconscious narratives, they can unintentionally send mixed signals that influence team dynamics and organisational culture in unexpected ways.

Emotional Response Patterns

The emotional tone of your actions plays a big role in how your team interprets them. For example, if you often react to challenges with frustration, you might unknowingly signal instability or a lack of control.

Message Interpretation Framework

To turn these hidden messages into effective leadership tools, start by questioning your assumptions. As Jennifer Garvey Berger advises, using the phrase "The story I tell myself about this is..." can help you pause, reflect, and consider alternative perspectives.

Recognising these hidden messages requires regular self-reflection and an understanding of how your actions might be interpreted. Keep in mind that your team members are constantly reading between the lines, filtering your behaviour through their own experiences and perceptions.

How Leaders Intentionally Shape the Signals that Matter

Finding Your Hidden Messages

Uncovering unconscious narratives requires tools that help you see your leadership from new perspectives. These self-assessment methods are designed to bring those hidden messages to light.

Self-Assessment Methods

Taking time for focused reflection and observation can help you identify patterns in your leadership that might otherwise go unnoticed.

Daily Leadership Journal
Keep a journal of your daily reactions and decisions. Pay attention to moments where you felt strong emotions about situations or people. Use the prompt "The story I tell myself about this is..." to pause and reflect on your initial reactions.

Feedback Collection Framework
Gather what Monique Valcour refers to as 'hidden feedback'. Look for clues in:

• Repeated questions from team members
• Body language during meetings
• Casual conversations after decisions are made
• Trends in how people respond to your emails

These observations can provide valuable insights into how others perceive your leadership.

Reflection Exercise
Quickly complete the statement "I experience leadership as..." without overthinking. This exercise can help uncover deeper narratives influencing your leadership approach.

How Messages Shape Teams and Culture

Subtle messages play a key role in shaping workplace dynamics, influencing team performance and the broader organisational culture. These messages often determine whether trust within teams is built or broken.

Building Trust Through Messages

The messages leaders send, whether intentional or not, directly affect team trust and credibility. When a leader's unspoken cues align with their stated intentions, it reinforces trust and strengthens relationships within the team.

The Role of Unspoken Cues
Everyday interactions - tone of voice, body language, and decision-making habits - carry hidden messages. These unspoken signals can either bolster trust or weaken it, depending on how well they align with what is explicitly communicated.

"When I wrote about how we get trapped by simple stories in Unlocking Leadership Mindtraps, it was because we are always telling ourselves stories without noticing them." - Jennifer Garvey Berger

Encouraging Open Dialogue
For trust to grow, leaders need to recognise their internal narratives and create an environment where open discussions are not just allowed but encouraged.

Comparing Leadership Message Styles

The way leaders communicate has a direct effect on team behaviour and culture. Understanding these styles helps leaders make informed choices about how they engage with their teams.

Putting It Into Practice
When teams experience tension or misalignment, leaders should reflect on the hidden messages they may be conveying. For example, a leader who subconsciously believes "my team can't operate without close supervision" might unknowingly communicate distrust through micromanagement, even if they verbally express confidence in the team's abilities.

Aligning Culture and Communication
To create a positive and cohesive team culture, leaders can:

• Examine gaps between their intended and unconscious messages.
• Share their thought processes openly and honestly.
• Seek feedback on how their messages are perceived.
• Show vulnerability by admitting when their internal assumptions might be wrong.

"The story I tell myself about this", is one of the most helpful phrases in the world, as it creates space for reflection and alternative perspectives.

Next, explore how to adjust these messages to better align with your leadership goals.

Matching Messages to Intent

Adjusting Your Messages

Aligning your unconscious messages with your leadership style takes practice and awareness. It starts with understanding how your internal stories influence your actions and reactions.

Take a moment to reflect on the narratives you create in challenging situations. For instance, if a team member misses a deadline, instead of jumping to conclusions, pause and reconsider your assumptions.

Reframing these internal stories is the first step towards improving how your leadership style is perceived and understood.

Tools for Refining Leadership Narratives

To fine-tune your leadership approach, here are some helpful resources:

Story Labs for Leadership Practice
Story Labs offer a structured space for leaders to refine their narratives with expert guidance. These sessions highlight gaps between what you intend to communicate and how it’s received, providing immediate feedback.

"Esther's genius is her ability to shed light on the critical element that each story needs in order to have the intended impact on the audience." - Colleen Kelly, Executive Director, Women's Health Foundation

Practical Steps to Improve Your Leadership Story

• Identify Your Default Story
  Look at how you typically react in leadership situations. What assumptions drive those responses?
• Challenge Your Assumptions
  Question whether your internal story aligns with your leadership goals. Explore other ways to interpret events.
• Experiment with New Approaches
  Test new communication styles in lower-risk scenarios before applying them in more significant situations.

Developing a Genuine Leadership Voice
The Leadership Story Bank supports leaders in honing their voice through coaching and training programmes. These tools aim to help leaders create messages that feel authentic and resonate with their teams while maintaining effectiveness.

The focus isn’t on perfection but on building awareness of how your internal thoughts influence your leadership presence. By narrowing the gap between your intentions and how others perceive your messages, you can communicate more effectively and genuinely.

Practice Scenarios and Tools

Common Leadership Situations

Explore scenarios where underlying assumptions impact team interactions and outcomes.

Team Meeting Dynamics

When a team member is frequently late to meetings, leaders may jump to conclusions, assuming a lack of respect. Instead of reacting to this assumption, try a reflection-based approach to encourage open dialogue:

Feedback Conversations

The stories we tell ourselves often shape how we deliver feedback. To make feedback more productive:

• Start with Self-Reflection
  Before giving feedback, examine your assumptions. Are they based on facts or personal interpretations? Adjust your perspective if needed.
• Frame the Dialogue
  Use phrases like, "The story I tell myself about this is..." to encourage a two-way conversation. Leadership expert Jennifer Garvey Berger highlights that this approach promotes curiosity and mutual understanding.

Evaluate your interactions using specific questions to ensure your narrative aligns with your leadership objectives.

Self-Review Questions

Building on feedback techniques, these questions can help refine your communication after important interactions:

Immediate Review

• What story did I tell myself before addressing this situation?
• How did my narrative shape my tone and body language?
• What assumptions did I make about others' intentions?

Deep Reflection

• Did I allow space for different perspectives?
• How might my team interpret my response?
• What unintended messages could I have communicated?

"Most of what we say isn't a Truth. Most of what we say is a construction - which is really a fancy word for a story." - Jennifer Garvey Berger

Practice Exercise: Message Alignment

Analyse a recent challenging interaction using this framework:

Conclusion

Main Lessons

The stories we tell ourselves influence how we act and shape the culture of our teams. Operating beneath our conscious awareness, these narratives affect how we perceive situations, make decisions, and interact with others. By recognising that our interpretations are not absolute truths but rather personal constructions, we open the door to better understanding and growth.

These underlying narratives don't just impact individual leadership styles - they play a role in shaping team dynamics, organisational culture, and even business results.

"Human beings crave coherence. We long to be true to ourselves and to act in a way that's consistent with what we believe and value. We want to live and work authentically." – Monique Valcourand and John McNulty

Action Steps

Put these insights into practice to strengthen your leadership approach:

Incorporate these practices into your routine with these steps:

• Look for recurring themes in your daily leadership behaviours.
• Challenge your assumptions by asking, "The story I tell myself about this is...".
• Take time to reflect before reacting to difficult situations.
• Continuously refine your leadership narrative through mindful adjustments.

These small, consistent efforts can make a big difference in how you lead and connect with your team.

FAQs

How can leaders uncover the unspoken messages they communicate to their teams?

Leaders often project subtle, unspoken messages through their actions, decisions, and communication. To uncover these hidden narratives, start by reflecting on the stories you tell yourself about your role, challenges, and team dynamics. Ask yourself: 'What story am I telling myself about this situation?' This simple question can reveal unconscious assumptions and beliefs shaping your behaviour.

Pay attention to how your actions align with your intended leadership identity. For example, do your decisions reflect confidence and transparency, or do they unintentionally convey hesitation? Regular self-reflection and seeking feedback from trusted colleagues can help you identify these patterns and adjust your approach to ensure your actions align with the values and messages you want to communicate.

How can leaders ensure their unspoken messages align with their leadership goals?

To ensure their unspoken messages align with their leadership goals, leaders can start by reflecting on the subconscious narratives they project through their actions and decisions. Consider how these narratives might influence team perceptions and whether they reflect your intended leadership identity.

A practical approach is to regularly pause and ask yourself, 'What story am I unconsciously telling here?' This creates space for self-awareness and allows you to reshape your message if needed. Additionally, practising self-reflection and seeking feedback from trusted colleagues can help uncover blind spots and refine your communication for greater authenticity and impact.

By consciously aligning your actions and words with your leadership goals, you can project a more consistent and empowering presence that inspires trust and confidence in your team.

How do tone and body language influence trust and workplace culture?

Unspoken cues like tone and body language play a crucial role in shaping trust and workplace culture. These subtle signals influence how team members perceive leadership, communicate with one another, and collaborate effectively.

When a leader's non-verbal behaviour, such as their gestures or tone of voice, contradicts the organisation's stated values, it can create confusion and erode trust. Over time, this misalignment can impact employee engagement and weaken the overall culture. By becoming aware of these subconscious cues, leaders can ensure their actions consistently reinforce the values they wish to promote, fostering a more authentic and cohesive environment.

Related posts

• How Leaders Build Trust Through Communication
• How Feedback Shapes Leadership Communication
• When Team Communication Breaks Down
• What stops communication in organisations (And how can leaders avoid pitfalls)